The first two minutes are How You Do Worldbuilding Right. The Pearls are fascinating if also a horrible example of exoticizing the Noble Savage archetype. The CGI is trippy as shit… Besson must’ve seen Jupiter Ascending and vowed to one up the Wachowskis. The anti-colonialism message is heavy-handed but not horrible. Rihanna was great but tragically, tragically, TRAGICALLY underutilized. TRAGICALLY.  GIVE RIHANNA ALL THE SCI FI MOVIE ROLES EVER.  The movie did not pass the Bechdel Test, or the Mako Mori test. The side characters on Alpha were fascinating, I would watch a series about the General and his multi-culti staff running a city of a thousand planets, because give me all the interspecies misunderstandings and wacky alien hijinks plus shipboard life stuff 5eva.

Also: Valerian was annoying as shit (and Not Attractive), Cara Delvigne was (like Rihanna) tragically underutilized (and not to thin-shame anyone, but my personal opinion is Cara needs a sandwich and some seven layer dip, stat) and the heterosexual love story was so cliched and disruptive of the actual plot that I might go back just to hate watch and throw tomatoes at the screen.

Seriously. SO BAD. SO MUCH FRENCH MALE CHAUVINISM. VALERIAN IS A MALE MARY SUE. SO MUCH BULLSHIT FAUX LIBERAL STORYTELLING. Go in expecting the #patriarchy but stay for the opening scene, Bubble, and the Alpha personnel. Some talented vidder, please splice me just those scenes.

I am also hereby starting the hashtag #bubblelives.  Fic to come.

Bubble lives, damnit.

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