[personal profile] blcwriter

If you’ve followed me at all for any period of time, you know I used to blog pretty often, and then I got into fanfic, and wrote a lot of that, too.  Whether or not I was any good at any of that-- the personal blogging, the fic writing-- is another question.  The fact was, I wrote.

For a while, it felt good.  I had online people who read and commented, who agreed or sympathized with things that I said.  I even met some of those folks in real life, and they were all terrific in their own, separate ways.  When I wrote fictional stories, people liked them.  They thought I was funny, or poignant, or smart.  And I met some of those folks, too, in real life, and they were also terrific in their own, separate ways.

At a certain point, though, I stopped.  Stopped personal blogging.  Stopped fiction writing.  Stopped.

It had nothing to do with my friends from online.  And they were (and still are, despite my shitty job of keeping in touch) my friends.

I think, though, that I stopped writing because people in my “real” life didn’t read what I wrote.  They didn’t believe that what I was saying online was “real” versus pretend.  They decided that what I was writing was not what I actually thought, because it didn’t agree with the vision they had of me.  Or they just couldn’t believe that what I put into words on a screen was the truth.

My mother would take the words I wrote on my blog out of context against me, because if it was true, then it meant she was a bad mother.  (She was.)

My once best-friend told me my fanfiction was silly and that I didn’t really have all the problems with my husband that I was complaining about, and that my changing thoughts about intimacy, sexuality, and my own, personal needs were not mine, but some internet fad I was caught up in because I wasn’t taking care of my mental health-- people apparently didn't put serious things on the internet.  She was mad I was thinking of leaving my husband, because to her, we had an "ideal" marriage.

This was the woman who was lesbophobic in college until all of a sudden she was gay, but to whom my bisexuality was always a problem.  This was the woman who I picked up and packed up when her girlfriend cheated on her, and whom I drove six hours to drop off her stuff somewhere else.  This was the woman whose lesbian quaker wedding to the same cheating girlfriend I catered, and for whom I mediated fights with her wife.  But I couldn't tell her about the women I was dating in law school, because that apparently wasn't real.  This was also the woman who told me I was making a horrific mistake in giving up practicing law, but then, herself, gave up on the "serious" academia she herself had demanded everyone else take so seriously for almost ten years.

My husband did not read my personal blog, the one I kept for five years starting after my bipolar diagnosis, and through which I published good times and bad, began to explore photography to the support of my readers, and published recipes and photos of food that I cooked because nourishing people is important to me.  He wouldn't read my fanfiction despite being bisexual himself, and was not enthusiastic about my getting more into fandom by moderating comms and going to cons-- this despite the fact that he'd stay up until 3AM with his own MMORPG.

This is the man who minimized my feelings, told me I was unreasonable when I got upset or mad, told me I wasn't "really" suicidal when the fact was I was desperate, and repeatedly refused to read any books about supporting your bipolar partner.  He told me he didn't feel comfortable reading about all those feelings and that he thought my blog should be "private," despite many, many conversations where I would say I found that writing let me say things I couldn't articulate overbally, and inviting him to read it whenever.

And then I wrote a story.  I wrote a story about my OTP having problems and separating, and how hard it was to be an adult, make things work, and get out of bed every day. It had an open ending.  Hopeful, but uncertain. It was a great story, except for the part where the hard, raw parts weren’t fiction at all.  All the hurt, depression, and anger I'd poured into my main character was mine, all the desire to be understood, all the desire to be heard and for the words coming out of my mouth to be accepted as true, and not with some ulterior motive.  That all was mine, and I was just putting words in the mouth of someone who wasn't real.

That was the last story I wrote for over three years.  Because I posted it, and re-read it, and thought-- oh.

Not long after I wrote that story (which is still the best I've ever written) and as I was reading all of the comments from lovely internet folk who said how touched they were and how that story related to their own disintegrating or hard relationships, I realized I needed to stop writing and focus on finding my way out.

I left my husband.  I changed jobs, for more pay if eventually not really all that much better conditions.  I gave up on that best friend who never had the time to call me back and who didn't come help me move when my life was (it felt like) falling apart.  I stopped talking to my mother altogether, because she is crazy and toxic and she makes me feel the same.  I dropped out of fandom for more than a while.

The last part there, that was a mistake, but I had gotten so close to these characters while I was avoiding my own reality that I couldn't read or be around them, even in virtual space, for a while.  I felt incredibly foolish for not seeing (when I went back and read all my stories) that what I was writing was a long meta- essay on not being heard, on what forms silencing can take, on what it means to love, but not love enough, or to want and to want far too much than what others can give.

So I silenced myself.

I silenced myself because online friends were all well and good, but I had no money to travel or visit as a result of other good, but impoverishing life decisions.  In any event, our interactions had centered around something now painful, and I didn't know what to say anymore because that thing we had in common was kind of defining my real problems.  I silenced myself because the action of moving into the back bedroom, moving out of the house, changing jobs, ceasing phone calls that went unreturned, refusing a relationship that would never, ever be in any part also about em-- those were actions, and for a while, activity was all that made sense.

I was miserable for a long time.  I still often am.  But separating what was misery caused by other people and what was misery because I was depressed and needed more meds, or because I was depressed because I was self-isolating, or because I was depressed because that's kind of just who I am?  That took longer to parse out and it's a life-long project.  I know that now in my gut, and not just my head.  These days I trust my gut more, but I trust people less.  My decision to leave the husband, my old crappy job, my no-longer best friend-- I am not ashamed to say I was listening to "Ready to Start" in the car and the verse about "I would rather be alone/than pretend everything's alright" hit me like a ton of bricks.  I pulled over, cried for 10 minutes, and then went into work. That night, I applied for new jobs, and moved into the back bedroom.  It was the first time I'd trusted my gut in too long.

All of this is an ongoing project and my acknowledgment that in the end, I can only trust in myself, hasn't been all-around awesome.  I am wary of new friendships, because a part of me knows I'll be let down, even if it's of my own making for expecting too much and not letting people be human.  I am wary of deepening existing relationships, because I don't want to scare people off-- at the same time, I don't want to become someone's primary support because I don't have the energy for it.  I am more private about things that are personal to me, and yet am more angry and vocal about the meta-socio-political bullshit that gets in the way of peoples' success. I’m lonely, but not for my husband or my old IRL BFF.  I miss people who weren’t “real” and I miss our carmaaderie over “fiction,” mostly, because it wasn't ever about the OTP.  It was about a group of smart, funny, passionate woman I never would have met otherwise.

If I hadn't trusted my gut about writing and about believing my feelings are real-- if I'd continued to trust others' opinions?  I don't know where I'd be.  Maybe dead.  My husband would continue to tell me it doesn't make sense to be angry about homophobia and sexism and mental health stigma because at least I knew how to exert myself the right way.  My former best friend would tell me my straight-passing white privilege made me unfit to speak or ally.  My mother would interrupt my rant to tell me about her former glory days as a hippie.  They aren't around to silence me like that any more.

And yet, I stopped writing.

I have written a bit on my blog, but nothing sustained and nothing in over a year.

I have written a bit of fanfic, but not anything substantial in my original fandom, and only slightly (and incompletely, WIPs are my enemy) in another fandom.  I have tumblr'd, but I rarely post original or personal stuff, because when I do, I rarely get substantive replies.  Same thing with twitter.  I went completely off FB, but I don't regret that at all. I have lurked on old friends' blogs and journals and tumblrs because I want to know they're ok-- but I feel like I'd be unwelcome, having dropped off the face of the earth and only intermittently keeping up with their lives.  (And I wouldn't blame anyone for not being interested in rekindling a friendship.  I'm a lot of work.)  Most of the time, I lurk and say nothing, and might as well be a ghost for how unreal my online presence is.

I regret stopping writing.  I regret being a bad online friend, even if I still feel like the histrionic need to exclude myself from my original fandom made its own stupid sense.  I cared and still care about my online friends, and I would love to see them in real life, but I don't know how to talk myself out of believing that those friends aren't really real, or that they only care about the words I put on the screen, and not about me.  I regret letting my depression about people who didn't deserve me get the best of me for too long.  I regret that I am writing this and am worrying about posting it, because I am not sure who, if anyone, will read, much less care.

I regret ever thinking that I only have value if an audience or the people I love are applauding, commenting, cuddling, listening.

We're all human.  If we are lucky, we have brains and hearts to think and feel, sometimes wrongly, sometimes rightly, often too much. We have eyes to see and to read. We have hands to touch and to push away with.  We have mouths and ears to greet, to express, to share.  I regret giving up on advocating for the joys of flawed fictional characters.  I regret giving up on advocating for the joy due to my flawed, imperfect, self.  I regret not believing it when someone else finds me to be a flawed, imperfect character who can bring them some joy.  And I regret not sharing those joys and flaws and imperfections "aloud" in writing, because they mean something, even if it's only to me.  The audience of me is worth writing for.  Anyone else is a bonus, and very much welcome. And real is what you make it.

I'm trying to be real.  And I'm trying to be less silent.  I'm trying to stop being silenced by others and most importantly, me.  I'm trying to stop others from shaming me for being flawed and imperfect and real.  I'm trying.  And I'm going to try to write about it. For real.

Date: 2016-07-31 05:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] treksnoopy.livejournal.com

Wow darlin'. You've had a rough go.

I was glad to see you post. RL has been difficult for me too so seeing someone else reappear who's been away for awhile makes me feel less like someone reaching for something that's unobtainable.
Stay in touch and I look forward to you popping up in my feed😘

Date: 2016-08-01 01:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
Oh, m'dear, I will for sure. You're not alone.

Date: 2016-07-31 05:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] weepingnaiad.livejournal.com
I could write an novel to you, sweetie. There's SO MUCH to say. And so much I relate to and wish that I had done differently (I suck at keeping up, too), but never forget that you are valued by those of us out here in the internet. And screw all those people who don't think friendships made here are "real". I have met my sister from another mother online and have made some of my best friends EVER online. And I have a dearest, dearest friend that I may never get to meet because the distances are so great.

(I suck at blogging as my LJ makes clear.)

Write for you. Write what you what. Do what makes you feel best and I'll be here, still cheering. (I do think of you often and miss you all the time. I want to have a retreat where we can all meet up again.)

*hugs tight*

Date: 2016-08-01 01:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
I am _down_ for that retreat, my dear. I look at your pics of your beautiful children on Instagram and am always so happy when I see you are smiling or out doing something fun.

And I wear your necklace a lot. *hugs forever*

Date: 2016-07-31 05:33 pm (UTC)
ext_409703: (charles write)
From: [identity profile] caitri.livejournal.com
This is a beautiful post, bb. **HUGS**

Date: 2016-08-01 01:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
*Hugs and glomps forever.* Thank you, lovey.

Date: 2016-07-31 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sangueuk.livejournal.com
I feel quite overwhelmed reading this - your prose is amazing, so real, so you and I miss reading you, knowing you even a little.

Thank you for breaking the silence and I'm sorry I lost touch and didn't make the effort. *hugs*

Date: 2016-08-01 01:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
No apologies needed. I have been allowing myself to be distracted and silly, and people have LIVES. : ) I miss you, though, lovey, and I am glad to "hear" from you in any fashion.

Date: 2016-07-31 09:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] greek-jester.livejournal.com
I read what you wrote, and I am in awe; you had the strength to walk away from a bad situation, and the strength to survive the aftermath. On top of that, you had the strength to open yourself up to the potential pain of being ignored or ridiculed by posting this.

You are a braver person than me. I hope those online friends you made will prove themselves to be your in-person friends as well.

I am not bi-polar, but I have dealt with depression. I'd just like to share something I came across on Boggle's blog that I printed out and kept on my wall for my bad days:


I hope you've got your stick.

Date: 2016-08-01 01:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
Oh, that is a wonderful inspiration. Thank you.

I recently ordered and framed this card, as reminder that it's ok to be a little bit broken: http://emilymcdowell.com/collections/cards/products/broken-objects-card

She has lots of wonderful things.

I kind of want to protest I'm not brave, but I won't. Getting up every day is hard, not to mention getting through the damned day-- doing it anyway is the bravest thing, sometimes, we can do. Please also feel brave.


Date: 2016-07-31 10:53 pm (UTC)
avictoriangirl: (avg)
From: [personal profile] avictoriangirl
*hugs* You are not alone. ♥

Date: 2016-08-01 01:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
<3 thank you, m'dear.

Date: 2016-08-01 03:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gategirl7.livejournal.com
I want to say thank you for being so willing to discuss how RL can totally steamroll a person. I appreciate so much when people openly share their struggles with mental illness, relationships, and life - every little bit helps break down stigma and bring us closer together.
I'll confess to being a lurker for the most part on your LJ, but I often come back to enjoy your stories multiple times. Your stories stick in my brain (in a great way) and I often feel immersed in the words and stories you create.
I hope you continue to find strength and ways to express yourself and welcome back!

Date: 2016-08-03 01:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
Thank you so much for your comment, it means a lot. And thank you even more for reading & enjoying, knowing you like to reread is really wonderful.

Date: 2016-08-01 05:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] leftarrow.livejournal.com
I think I did some meta a long time ago about hating the word "flawed," because "faceted" seems so much more accurate to me. So some of your facets are sharp, and some of them show things that you or others don't care for? Good thing we all have facets, and good thing your facets mean you're human. (That being said, I hate that some parts of you and/or your life still have the power to make you miserable, but you are right to believe that none of those painful parts of you mean people don't want you around or that they can't find joy in your company, ok?)

Please don't regret writing this: it was good to log into my flist after a long time away, myself, and find an entry from you :) If you must regret not writing for a long time, I guess you must, but keep in mind: you can still write *now.* and if writing brings you more pain and struggle than happiness, it is ok not to write. You were sorting out a lot of shit. Who knows what you might write in the future, due to having all that shit sorted? Who knows what you won't even need to write, because you have all that shit sorted and because you now have some excellent tools to sort future shit with?

as for this: I don't know how to talk myself out of believing that those friends aren't really real, or that they only care about the words I put on the screen, and not about me.

I only *know* you via the words you put on the screen, but I don't think that's some kind of lesser friendship than a physically proximal one, it's just different. I saw this post and the one before it on my f-list and thought, "oh hey, I haven't heard from her in forever!! I wonder what she's up to now??" Which, granted, is not any kind of super close BFF-ness. But I was glad to see a post from you. Maybe we'd get along great if we met in person, and maybe we wouldn't, but I'd like to think that "tremendously positive acquaintances on the internet" is a pretty good relationship to have with someone, really.

So, to wrap up a massive comment: I'm sorry you've been through some incredibly rough times since I heard from you last, but glad you are getting through them. I was glad to hear from you. I hope to see more writing from you in the future, but I won't for a hot second think less of you if you do other things in the future that preclude writing.

Be as well as you can. *old internet friend hug*

Date: 2016-08-03 01:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
*Hugs old internet friend right back*

I take your meaning, very much so, on "faceted" versus "flawed." I bought and framed this card from Emily McDowell a while ago, though, http://emilymcdowell.com/products/broken-objects-card and have been working a lot around not feeling like I have to fix everything about myself, or that I can't still forge forward while some things are messy. I like your faceted metaphor, though-- and of course it's really important to have a perspective that works, in terms of allowing us all to accept our complexities and to understand that everything's a balancing act, and that things are going to wobble around from time to time until we hit some kind of equilibrium again.

I think the hardest lesson to learn is to cut ourselves the same slack we would cut for someone whom we care about; not holding on to false shame and false blame when it's just-- being human, getting through the day, keeping going. That, and learning how to just accept gifts, and thank people for them-- whether it's the gift of eye contact, or someone meaning it when they ask you how you're doing, or leaving a comment on someone's story, or leaving really long, thoughtful comments for "tremendously positive acquaintances on the internet."

So... thank you, my dear, for the gift. : )

(And you're right, of course, that internet land friends are their own special genius of knowing and supporting each other, and that "ooh, a post from so and so" can be a tremendously special thing. So again, thank you.)

Date: 2016-08-04 06:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] leftarrow.livejournal.com
See, now, that card is super cool. Thanks a million for the link!! You absolutely don't need to "fix" yourself, and I hope you can always forge ahead, no matter how messy things are.

I think the hardest lesson to learn is to cut ourselves the same slack we would cut for someone whom we care about; not holding on to false shame and false blame when it's just-- being human, getting through the day, keeping going.

ugh, god, I struggle with this so much sometimes, as I think a lot of people do. So my hat is off to your efforts and to your success.

Date: 2016-08-01 06:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hibiscusrose.livejournal.com
I know you've had a rough row to hoe and I am deeply moved that you'd share this with us to this degree. Please know you are always welcome to visit if you come this way, and I second what my hubby's said elsewhere re: clay pits and pig farms. I daresay we could find space for your egg donor as well. :)

Date: 2016-08-03 01:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
Do you know that every so often it hits me and I think "I must be sort of OK because two people met and fell in love and got MARRIED because of a fic that I wrote." NVM that I didn't finish it, at least it sparked conversation between two awesome people! As I said to Rob, too, living better is the best revenge.

*hugs you tightly*

Date: 2016-08-03 04:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hibiscusrose.livejournal.com
MORE than just ok!!! And don't you forget it!

(((hugs back)))

Date: 2016-08-01 12:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] secretsolitaire.livejournal.com
I'm sorry you've had such a rough few years. *hugs* Looking forward to reading whatever you feel moved to write.

Date: 2016-08-03 01:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
*hugs back* and thank you, thank you. <3

Date: 2016-08-01 10:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] claudia-nic.livejournal.com
You are and always will be one of my favorite writers and that includes your real, imperfect posts as well as your brilliant stories. Write and I'll read it :)

Date: 2016-08-03 01:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
Oh, thank you so much. *giant hugs*

Date: 2016-08-02 06:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] syredronning.livejournal.com
This is such a beautiful, open, real entry. THANK YOU.

It rings more than one bell for me, because over writing my Draws series I burned out AND realized that fixing imagined people's life is great but I really need to get my own RL shit together. (Which makes me very reluctant to get back to fanfic writing as a focus&time sink. Even the reading already has that effect ;/)

Over the last two years, I realized that "everything in my life is mine", no matter if I like it or not. Only radical acceptance of my reality helped me improve.

You're a wonderful writer. You're - for me, in all the ways I know you here - a great person to hang around with. You are real to me. And I'm so glad you reappeared.

Write. Live. ENJOY LIFE.

Many hugs and kisses <3

Date: 2016-08-03 01:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
I am with you on the burnout-- if it's not nourishing you at the moment, you're 100% right to set it aside. Would that we were all able to take our own good advice.

I have a bit to go on radical acceptance, but the "I am the only one who can really fix it, if it needs fixing" realization is definitely on my "learn to remain zen" list. : ) In the meantime, I am working on radical honesty: "That doesn't work for me." "I didn't think that was funny." "I am feeling angry because of X..." It's not selfish, I've decided. It's self-preservation.

The K/M & larger reboot fandom is full of remarkable, amazing women-- and you are definitely one of those inspiring writers and internet-is-real-life friends who I've missed a lot. Thank you, m'dear, and many hugs and kisses right back. <3

Date: 2016-08-09 09:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sail-aweigh.livejournal.com
It is so very wonderful to see you back in LJ land. Your voice, both personal and fictional, has been very much missed.

I especially appreciate this post, because it seems to reflect so much of my life and struggles back to me in words that I just have not been able to express, myself. I rant on my LJ, but it never really seems to be the innermost turmoil that hurts, just how angry I am, and I'm so much more than that. It feels like I have two modes of feeling: angst and anger. Ugh. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I am familiar with what you're going through and I'm happy to see that you are defining your own path. It's hard, but so very worth it. Also, your internet friends are real friends, not make-believe or friends-in-a-box. Real. We are here and we are listening to you.

Date: 2016-08-14 12:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
it never really seems to be the innermost turmoil that hurts, just how angry I am, and I'm so much more than that and I have two modes of feeling: angst and anger

Yes, very much this. The angst and the anger are so consuming and so distracting that it's hard to carve out the space to look at WHY. And I have been glad, at the very least, to be seeing you still on tumblr, as reactive as that platform can be.

And yes, you are very much real-- and apologies for anything in what I wrote that made it sound like you're not. I think I could have been clearer about what I know and have known, versus what I feel in bad moments when I can't distinguish between my own self-doubts and others' reactions and thoughts.

(Many hugs, friend)

Date: 2016-08-14 04:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sail-aweigh.livejournal.com
And yes, you are very much real-- and apologies for anything in what I wrote that made it sound like you're not

Oh, ugh. This is where my lack of specificity skewed what I meant completely! My "internet friends are real friends" style comment was meant for the meat space folks telling you we aren't! I used to get that kind of crap, too, even from my shrink. Most of my closest friends are all from the internet and I'll fight anyone who says they aren't real, whether I've met them in person or only in pixels. So, I know that you know that, too. I just wish we could convince the people around us. Want I should come over and pound a few heads? ;P

Date: 2016-08-14 05:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com

Oh, no worries.  You were one of several folks affirming the reality of online friendships and I found myself questioning the original tone of my comment.

Just think, in 5 or 10 years all the high school kids on tumblr, etc., will force a wider  sociocultural reevaluation of the friendships we have and in what spaces, because they will normalize non meatspace relationships.   : )

Date: 2016-08-13 02:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thalialunacy.livejournal.com
I couldn't do K/Mc for a few years in there, either, because Julie.

But that's not the point. Point is I love you and am glad to see your words. ♥
Edited Date: 2016-08-13 02:03 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-08-14 12:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
You're right-- it's not the point, even though at the time it very much feels like it is.

I love you right back, darling, and am glad to see you wherever & however, if it's IG or here. (smooches your awesome haircut)

Date: 2016-08-19 07:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thalialunacy.livejournal.com
Oh! I meant that wasn't ~my point, as in the point of my comment, but you are correct as well.

Deep thoughts on a Friday. ;) Smooches! (from both my haircut and myself)

Date: 2016-08-31 01:57 am (UTC)
fairyniamh: (Default)
From: [personal profile] fairyniamh
You were leaving, just as I was coming in. We didn't get to really know one another. I still thought of you often. (I still have the first and last time we 'chatted' sitting in my inbox.)

I can't say that I ever felt my relationships and friendships online were fake. Hell, my online friends and family have saved my life more than any of my 'real' relationships.

Shit, I met my my husband (as a friend) online almost 20 years ago. We've been married for almost 14 and still have online dates with each other. I have disowned my blood sister (who had set me up to be raped.0 However, in 2006 I met a fellow writer. I encouraged her to continue writing. We kept talking and we bonded closer than we did with our blood relatives. She is my sister, for better or for worse.

So never let anyone (including yourself) tell you that the relationships, friendships, you build over the internet is fake. Yes, there will always be posers on the internet, just like there are posers in real life.

I don't have the means to meet all the wonderful people I call friends, and I don't think they hold my fear of travel and crowds against me.

Be who you want to be, but never be afraid to be different in a crowd or to try new things. I'm going to give you hugs now. *hugs*

Stay True to you,
The Happy Fandom Whore

Date: 2016-09-10 07:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] january-snow.livejournal.com
i had no idea quite how terrible a time you have had through the years you describe above.

in my own experience, there is nothing more crushing than those who should be there for you by default (partners, parents, closest friends) belittling you, marginalising you, not taking your achievments or your problems seriously, not trying to see things your way at least sometimes and generally not supporting you when you need it.

it sounds like you had a lot if that, so it's great to read in this and your subsequent posts how you have broken free from the negative influences and are making your own life now.

apologies for clumsy english and all the best!!!


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