[personal profile] blcwriter
The lovely [livejournal.com profile] blue_jack asked the relevant question of whether I was going to come back to ST: AOS fandom when the movie came out.  It's a good one, and flattering, because fandom goes on whether one writer's around or not and I try not to flatter myself.  It's not that my muse died because of the time off between movies; it's because I wrote Manhattan (Weeks Gone By) and then read it and re-read it and realized that my marriage was over.  And then I went back and read the rest of my fics and saw that instead of dealing with my actual shit with my husband and using my words, I'd been projecting a lot of my wants into the stories like the worst Mary Sue.

I kind of needed some distance, because Kirk & McCoy and the whole rest of the crew came to mean something different than found family (though this fandom was and is and always will be, if the good friends I'd made will still have me) and hope for the future and the importance of choice over majority rule, whatever that is or may be-- all that Rodenberry good stuff.  Instead, it had come to represent all the stuff I hadn't had the balls to say to my husband, and then-- when I did-- it didn't work out.

Hardly ST: AOS's fault, or the fault of anybody in fandom, but sometimes a gal needs a little distance to get her shit sorted out and realize why she needs to get her shit sorted out. I have intermittently opened my unfinished series, edited them bit by bit, tried to write, and then gotten a big emotional NOPE and saved & closed those files out.  And I have missed the hell out of everyone in the ST: AOS fandom, especially the
[livejournal.com profile] jim_and_bones crew,  many of whom have been awesome enough to check in with me while I wallowed around in all that divorce/life change/job change bullcrap and I've been gun-shy because too many life changes and socializing things all at once are too much for little ole' crazy me.

TL; DR, in the words of Monty Python, I got better(ish), but I still have been feeling a little too Mary Sue when it comes to Kirk & McCoy, and I want to refind who they are in a characterization that has less to do with my bullshit, and it's not ST: AOS or fandom (read: you, awesome fandom & friends), it's me.

In the meantime, I've been writing a little Avengers (except that I lost a chapter to a laptop crash and it's taking forever to get that epic going again) and Teen Wolf slashfic at AO3, because gay sparks & werewolves, who knew?

In sum, I was walking a few weeks ago and came upon a monument along Commonwealth Avenue in Boston that about crystallized what I've been trying to do, but hadn't quite thrashed my way to putting to words:

But live them first
Living them first.  That's a good goal.

Much love to you all.
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