[personal profile] blcwriter
The lovely [livejournal.com profile] blue_jack asked the relevant question of whether I was going to come back to ST: AOS fandom when the movie came out.  It's a good one, and flattering, because fandom goes on whether one writer's around or not and I try not to flatter myself.  It's not that my muse died because of the time off between movies; it's because I wrote Manhattan (Weeks Gone By) and then read it and re-read it and realized that my marriage was over.  And then I went back and read the rest of my fics and saw that instead of dealing with my actual shit with my husband and using my words, I'd been projecting a lot of my wants into the stories like the worst Mary Sue.

I kind of needed some distance, because Kirk & McCoy and the whole rest of the crew came to mean something different than found family (though this fandom was and is and always will be, if the good friends I'd made will still have me) and hope for the future and the importance of choice over majority rule, whatever that is or may be-- all that Rodenberry good stuff.  Instead, it had come to represent all the stuff I hadn't had the balls to say to my husband, and then-- when I did-- it didn't work out.

Hardly ST: AOS's fault, or the fault of anybody in fandom, but sometimes a gal needs a little distance to get her shit sorted out and realize why she needs to get her shit sorted out. I have intermittently opened my unfinished series, edited them bit by bit, tried to write, and then gotten a big emotional NOPE and saved & closed those files out.  And I have missed the hell out of everyone in the ST: AOS fandom, especially the
[livejournal.com profile] jim_and_bones crew,  many of whom have been awesome enough to check in with me while I wallowed around in all that divorce/life change/job change bullcrap and I've been gun-shy because too many life changes and socializing things all at once are too much for little ole' crazy me.

TL; DR, in the words of Monty Python, I got better(ish), but I still have been feeling a little too Mary Sue when it comes to Kirk & McCoy, and I want to refind who they are in a characterization that has less to do with my bullshit, and it's not ST: AOS or fandom (read: you, awesome fandom & friends), it's me.

In the meantime, I've been writing a little Avengers (except that I lost a chapter to a laptop crash and it's taking forever to get that epic going again) and Teen Wolf slashfic at AO3, because gay sparks & werewolves, who knew?

In sum, I was walking a few weeks ago and came upon a monument along Commonwealth Avenue in Boston that about crystallized what I've been trying to do, but hadn't quite thrashed my way to putting to words:

But live them first
Living them first.  That's a good goal.

Much love to you all.

Date: 2013-05-19 07:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
(hugs) & thank you.

Date: 2013-04-28 03:43 pm (UTC)
avictoriangirl: (kirk/mccoy kiss)
From: [personal profile] avictoriangirl
*all the hugs* ♥

Date: 2013-05-19 07:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
Right back at you, lovely. Thank you.

Date: 2013-04-28 04:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hora-tio.livejournal.com
You have an abundance of self awareness....everyone lives life at their own pace..it sounds like you are circling the spot you want your life to be in ...so you will arrive in your own good time.

In the mean time, keep in touch. I can't say that I have a friendship per se with you, but I (as most all of us)have been searching for my spot in life..so I can identify with you and feel sort of like I know you...

Date: 2013-05-19 07:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
(many hugs)

And searching, yes. Isn't that what appeals so much about Trek?

Thank you.

Date: 2013-05-19 11:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hora-tio.livejournal.com
Yes it does and I think that is part of the appeal for me..*besides jim and bones...lol

Date: 2013-04-28 04:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] syredronning.livejournal.com
♥ ♥ ♥

Whenever you're ready to come back for whatever level of participation, I'll be delighted <3

.o0 A small P.S: I learned that in any larger story, there hides the story of one's own life... fortunately for me, it was "only" about realizing certain motifs and dreams that resided deep down in my subconscious, and not a break-up. It still could ache at times.

Date: 2013-05-19 07:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
<3 Hello, you.

Any realization can be painful-- (hugs you). And you write such deep, thoughtful stuff.

*squeezes you tightly.*

Date: 2013-04-28 05:40 pm (UTC)
fairyniamh: (Default)
From: [personal profile] fairyniamh
*hugs* It is good to see you. I have seen you around the Teenwolf Fandom, but didn't know if the ST fandom was a raw spot and left you alone.

I'm hoping that life is treating you better and that - clarity if not happiness is also happening for you.

I love the picture. It is so true.

((hugs)) Love you dear. We may not have been very good friends, but my memory is long and I will always be thankful for all you have done for me. Which is more than you will ever know.

*Scuttles off to read your Teen Wolf fics - after I write a little more*

Date: 2013-05-25 04:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
You're infinitely lovely to say so, and thank you. I know you've been moving & shaking the buckleup meme & remember some of our talks around that, and I hope the new movie brings you lots of new prompts & fills. I'm glad you've been able to have a lot of joy from the fandom. : )

I am not always timely or good at responding to comments and messages, but I am trying to be better. Ebbs & flows. But thank you, and hope you are well.

Date: 2013-05-19 07:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
*twirls you.*

Date: 2013-04-29 12:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sangueuk.livejournal.com
I just miss you. Thanks for checking in. *squishes*

Date: 2013-05-19 07:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
Oh, darling. Me too. *Squishes you muchly.*

Date: 2013-04-29 02:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rubynye.livejournal.com
That makes sense.

*hugs you warmly*

Date: 2013-05-19 08:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
Thank you, Ny. (hugs you lingeringly.)
(deleted comment)

Date: 2013-05-25 04:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
Thank you, m'dear. (huggles back)

Date: 2013-04-29 10:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] etrangerici.livejournal.com
Glad you are getting better(isn) and I doubt there's anyone who's going to fault you for feeling your feelings - your writing is personal and emotional and conveys a good deal of impact, I cannot fathom that where you are in and of yourself wouldn't color 1) your writing and 2) how you read your writing.

So feel what you feel - they're called feelings, not quadratic equations for a darn good reason - and write what you like. I have faith that the majority of fandom will be grateful for whatever you share and happy that you are up to sharing at all.

Best wishes.

Date: 2013-05-25 04:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
Thank you-- so much.

I never get authors who say what they write isn't personal, and I always knew what I wrote contained emotional themes-- it just took a while for dawn to break over concrete head that I wasn't just being thematic, but actively projecting, heh.

And thank you for the most excellent R. D. Anderson icon-- I'm not in any of the Stargate fandoms, but I always admire him when he pops up somewhere. : )

Date: 2013-05-04 04:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thalialunacy.livejournal.com
I completely understand because I'm in a similar boat - Julie was such a huge part of writing Kirk/McCoy, literally, that I just can't do it anymore. I'm still doing Trek RPF and I think eventually I'll write more but I don't know when that day will be. And it's a little bit of a thing to not let it stress me out, but I do okay. Fandom is wide and varied and needs to be at least mostly fun.

Glad to know you're well. I think of you often. ♥

Date: 2013-05-25 04:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
I think of you too, a lot, honey, and yeah, it's funny about pairings, because I don't think I could touch the RPF with a ten foot pole, either, but I probably will end up writing some gen, some Kirk/Scotty, and some K/S/M/U once I get my feelings under my feet.

It takes time. I'm around, whenever. And in the meantime, <3. Lots of <3.

Date: 2013-05-11 11:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] january-snow.livejournal.com
it's really good to hear from you, and i am very glad to hear that you are at least better(ish)!

wishing you that you'll get to live all your dreams!!!

Date: 2013-05-25 04:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blcwriter.livejournal.com
Thank you so much-- betterish is a better place to be, yes indeed. :)


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